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As it was my first month being part of the ‘Secret Post Club’, I was so excited about such an amazing idea and was eager to find out what I was going to receive too.

When it arrived, (and very quickly it did too,) I couldn’t wait to open it.  I’ve never been one to get parcels or packages in the post often so my 2 eldest boys had a look of shock on their little faces that mummy was opening something that wasn’t for them for a change!

My gifts came beautifully wrapped up and was finished with a ribbon and tag attached from Mich @michlan.  Inside was not 1 but 3 things just for me! :0)  A fantastic ‘River Cafe Pocket Book’ of puddings, cakes and ice creams, which has since been drooled over and studied numerous times ready to create a dish, 3 clever little magnetic measuring spoons and chocolate extract which is ideal for my love of cake making!

All I have to say is a massive thank you once again to Mich for the thoughtful gifts.  Sorry it’s taken so long to write this post. I promise to be better next time :0)

Im hoping my gift for Janet at Baked Bean Jubilee arrived in South Africa safe and sound. From the sound of things not everything has in the past so I’ll keep my fingers crossed.x

So, the new year has already begun and I’ve decided there is going to be some changes that come with it too.

This year I’m going to concentrate on me.  Yes, I’m a mum of 3, and my boys will still come first no matter what, but after that it’s me, me, me!

I’m a totally unsociable cow – there, I’ve admitted it.  If people invite me out I already have an excuse stored in my brain to give them straight away without even thinking about it.   A lot of friends  just don’t bother asking me anymore because the answer has always been no.

One of the reasons for this among others is I just hate leaving my children.  I could count on my fingers the amount of times in 5 years I’ve left them.  I’m like one of those obsessive mothers I promised I’d never be.  I know deep down they’ll be fine without me, but my stubbornness of people thinking I may need help, or the guilt of leaving them stops me everytime.

Another reason is I’m a complete and utter hermit which I know doesn’t help.  I go out if I have to, and try not to if I don’t.  Yes, I do the school run, go to the shops, take the kids to the park, but anything apart from that I rarely do.  It’s not that I don’t want to or anything but I have an irrational fear of doing new things.  I get a sicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when situations are slightly different to me or the unknown.  I’ve always been the same since I was a child.  I’ve fainted in exams, been sick in inappropriate places and had panic attacks too.   For these reasons especially I know I have to push myself this new year and  make a change.  I think it’s about time I remembered that before I was a wife and mum, I was a friend, and that’s something I still want to be if they’ll still have me…   So for my sanity wish me luck because 2010 is going to be a less scared, more sociable me for everyones sake!

Well what an eventful Christmas!  I don’t know about the kids being tired, I feel like I haven’t slept for a week!

The fun started Christmas eve when our 3 year old decided bedtime really was not an option for him.  When making a sneaky run for it out of his bedroom, he slipped on the wooden floor and went head-first into the corner of the stair-gate.  The bump on his forehead emerged before our eyes, and the screaming of ‘Leave me alone’ and crying went well on until 11pm.  When he finally drifted off to sleep I sat next to him with a bag of frozen peas on his head in the hope it would lessen the lump and bruising for the photos Christmas day.  That was pointless looking at his poor head now!

Anyway, the fall obviously didn’t effect him too much because both boys were up at 5:30am.  The magic of Christmas through a child’s eyes is lovely to see.  The look on their faces was a picture in itself when they saw the treats left for Santa had gone, and Rudolph had taken a bite out of his carrot.  By the time they saw their sacks filled to the top my eldest was literally shaking with excitement!

Half an hour later with paper strewn everywhere along with cardboard galore and instruction manuals aplenty, we had 3 very happy little men.  With my DH doing the cooking this year, it was up to me to make up all toys for 3 boys at the same time with them getting increasingly frustrated that I didn’t have more pairs of hands! By 10am I was ready for bed again!

It’s now been only 2 days since Christmas day and already the familiar phrase, ‘I’ve got nothing to do’, has come from one of my little mens mouths. With a playroom full of new toys I didn’t expect to hear that for at least another week! Nevermind, with Christmas now over, I’ve  got my 5 year olds birthday party to organise for January.  With the thought of amusing 27 of his classmates at the front of my mind, I reckon the stress of Christmas was a breeze!

If you looked up ‘Worry’ in the dictionary there I would be, because that is seriously what I do day and night.  It can range from something little to something big, but if I have nothing to worry about then I’m sure to find something soon enough otherwise even that would make me worry!

I know that everyone worries about different things, but I really do think that I take it to the extreme.

When I eventually go to bed at night I lay there thinking for an hour or so about everything before I can even think about closing my eyes to go to sleep.  I worry about anything and everything.  From small things like wondering if I’ve checked the oven etc is turned off, (even though I’ve checked at least 3 times before bed), to appointments which could be in a weeks time, but I’m already stressed out about it in case I can’t park to get there or I’ve got the wrong day and time.

I worry that people are looking at me, even though logically there would be no reason for them to more than anyone else.  I worry about the school run everyday when I’m struggling to get all 3 kids in the car and I can see people behind me waiting tapping there fingers.  I worry that people don’t really like me but feel they have to talk to me in certain situations just to be polite.  I worry maybe I don’t pay enough attention to each of my boys individually and when they grow up they’ll resent me for it.  I worry about the queue that always seems to be waiting behind me in the shop when I’m trying to pack my bags and things are tipping out because they’re so full…  The list is honestly endless but each thing is as much of a worry to me than the next.  In fact, sometimes I’m physically sick with worry.

I swear my head will explode the amount of things that I think about altogether at the same time. My OCD really doesn’t help the situation either.  That is a totally different topic though which I’m not sure I’m brave enough to share yet for the fear of people thinking I should be locked up!

The one thing I really hope for is that my boys never worry like I do because I’m sure I do enough worrying on their part anyway, and at 27 I already have the grey hairs to prove it too!

Agony Aunt Sarah they should call me.  If anyone has a problem it ends up being mine soon enough too when it’s offloaded onto me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been one that loves helping people and offering my advice in the hope it will help.  I even pride myself on being quite good at it too if I’m quite honest.  There’s always a sense of satisfaction when you know you’ve helped someone with something that was weighing on their mind.  A problem shared is a problem halved as the saying goes.

The issue I have is when you’re told something in confidence that you know you should act upon but know its not your place to do so.  What do you do?  Go with your gut instincts or just be there for that person to lean on?  Do you risk losing that friendship and their confidence in you, or do what you thinks right?  Are you a proper friend if you speak out when they’ve trusted you?  Then again, are you a proper friend if you don’t?  Have you been told by them in the hope you speak out, or just to get it off their chest?

I have so many questions but absolutely no answers at all.  Sometimes I wish maybe if I was selfish people wouldn’t tell me what’s going on in their life and I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now.  That’s not me though, and I could never be like that either because then I wouldn’t be me!  So for the time being I’ll just carry on thinking things through and hopefully come up with the right decision in the end.  If that means betraying someone’s trust,  it doesn’t necessarily mean its the wrong thing to do… does it?